[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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life finds a way
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
.. do you even science?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)