Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?