[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
You Might Also Like
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.