‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Current mood: Potato
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.