Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?