When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
So sick of all these stupid rules
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there