Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger