They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Uh oh…
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.