If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Sniffing the broccoli
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!