Day 2 of my diet
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.