[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is