“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams