I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
me
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
The Book. The Movie.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right