I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!