You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.