[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
This is hilarious….
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You learn something every day
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.