my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
wow
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
What if all the cashiers are married?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”