Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You Might Also Like
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
How does one answer this?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.