Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
こいつ天才
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick