*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha