What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.