It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
You Might Also Like
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10