Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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Need this in my life lol
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Finally!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!