Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.