You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.