My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.