There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
road rage
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
This is enough internet for the day.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.