My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho