Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load