INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You Might Also Like
A French press is when you hug naked
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!