employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
(2022)
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
thanks auntie mary
Stop sending me this shit.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.