me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!