Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers