Not all heroes wear capes…
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.