[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?