In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
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I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.