“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
You Might Also Like
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*puts words between two asterisks*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”