HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
hmmm
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
i could never be president. im overqualified.