Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.