Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Oops
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy