in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Good morning
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Every photo I’m tagged in
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas