the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
When you’re here for the treats.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?