When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”