My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.