Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉