20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Never be a pizza!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone