It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
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I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.