My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards