I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
You Might Also Like
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.