4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Pretty certain I can more drunk